Where fact meets fiction and gets smacked around the head with a bat.
Mood: Fairly unlikely.
Note: Soap Opera is finished. To read it in full start at the bottom and work up
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Wow! I've got everything I ever wanted! The car's in the garage, all the steaks have been sorted into the appropriate order, Todd is at least happy to wait for a solution and the whole world is pink and creamy!
The End
posted by David Gentle 12/5/2000
Friday, December 01, 2000
I'm getting increasingly sleepy. I seem to be standing in the road outside of the place where you buy bins.
posted by David Gentle 12/1/2000
Thursday, November 23, 2000
How do you juice a girl? What do you use? The same thing as with lemons? I'm getting thirsty. I am consumed with the urge to know.
posted by David Gentle 11/23/2000
Saturday, November 18, 2000
I can't find the exit. It must be hidden beneath these trees. It probably looks a lot like this camel that I'm sure is here. Only I can't see it. But it was here.
posted by David Gentle 11/18/2000
Tuesday, November 14, 2000
It's just sitting there. Get it off!
posted by David Gentle 11/14/2000
Saturday, November 11, 2000
Today caused me pain. I was sitting on the train looking out of the window and was attacked by a clinging sensation. It still hasn't worn off. I don't know what it is. But I suspect that this thing on my leg may have something to do with it.
posted by David Gentle 11/11/2000
Sunday, November 05, 2000
I can't comunicate with the mothership by direct pipe! I'm having to...what? No, that's just gibberish. I can't get my car to mash pumpkins for me. My only vehicle has been abstracted.
posted by David Gentle 11/5/2000
Tuesday, October 31, 2000
Okay. This is getting weird. First I became aware that Bratulith was "over me" in some way and now I am filled with the awareness that a thin girl, some weird art guy and the entire membership of U2 are clamped to me as well. And it's not even a spy plane.
posted by David Gentle 10/31/2000
I've spent the whole day in bed because of the noise. Funnily it seems to be coming from my stomach.
posted by David Gentle 10/31/2000
Friday, October 27, 2000
Bratulith has had me pinned beneath him for several days now. At first I only noticed a dull whining from above but then he started drooling on me. I suppose I'll have to ask him to get off of me now. Work was okay. I hadn't noticed at that point. It was like having a hunch on your back or something. i just thought that I had entered into a period of illness.
posted by David Gentle 10/27/2000
Thursday, October 26, 2000
I was turfed out into the street by effeminate rufians today. They said that i shouldn't have pulled out my big horn and started yeling about cool stuff! Idiots! Everyone wants cool stuff!
posted by David Gentle 10/26/2000
Monday, October 23, 2000
Huh. They only wanted to know if i was wearing a satchel UNDER my shirt.
posted by David Gentle 10/23/2000
Saturday, October 21, 2000
OH MY GOD! THE WORLD IS ALL MESSED!
They all came into work today and demanded that I show them "something". But..but...I didn't have ANYTHING. So they took me to a room that looked like a cottage might look if you put it into a big building and...oh. Shit.
I want to get away from all this. I want a soft toy farm somewhere where I can grow furry pink toy ponnies on bushes. Then I'll sprinkle them into a field and roll around on them for an hour a day before I sell them. Yeah! There's only one thing I need for this to be a perfect dream:
If only fluffy pink toy horses tasted like cunt honey the world would be perfect!
posted by David Gentle 10/21/2000
Sunday, October 15, 2000
I saw ExpressionVixtress today. At first I thought she wasn't wearing makeup any more. But then I realised she hadn't been wearing any all along. I guess I must have misjudged her.
posted by David Gentle 10/15/2000
Hey, I did something really wild and wacky today!
posted by David Gentle 10/15/2000
Saturday, October 14, 2000
There are too many sparrows "on me".
posted by David Gentle 10/14/2000
Hey kids! Here's a question:
Key kittens! Who would like to see the Results?
posted by David Gentle 10/14/2000
Wednesday, October 11, 2000
[Note for the bewildered: This weblog is a my attempt to filter my life and experiences through the lenses of surrealism, satire and really shit jokes. Since my life is so boring I have to make it sound interesting and I do this with an invented career, friends and aquaintances. Some people reading this may find it offensive. I direct those people to this article I wrote. I hope that those people who don't find it offensive aren't so bored by it that they never look at it again]
posted by David Gentle 10/11/2000
Wow! Todds writing a semi fictional account of his adventures!
Todd's huge adventure
I sat on the beach with Humbert. We like the sound of the sand.
Sand.
Sounds cool, looks cool, tastes like grunting.
I was waiting for a clue to come along. I'd been working on the project for a number of months and found nothing but empty moth cocoons. I needed a break badly or the seals would start to shimmer. Given my entire lack of success up to that point I decided to call Nonose who had decided that his affair with David's lovely girlfriend would require him to leave the village and seek sanctuary. He said he'd look into my problem but...shit! What was that? It looked like a locust but it was wearing my trousers. Fuck, that was weird.
Nonose took a few days to think about the problem and concluded that I had some hair. I thanked him and said that if I ever wanted a noseless man for anything I'd give him a call.
It was on that morning that the beach yielded it's first clue. A big open bag filled with blankets. I decided that they ought to be studied in depth.
On the third day I started thinking about jeans. I'd seen a man wearing them on his head the day before and I wondered why it hadn't occurred to me to try that style. I concluded that my jeans probably weren't large enough. I put up token resistance to the notion of getting out of the chair to stair at some geese but Humbert managed to convince me that they were "really cool geese". While he entertained passing children with his balancing, flapping and cock related skills I looked for the answer to a riddle:
How do you find a bus conductor in an empty field?
I stared intently at some glass on a stick. It was glittering and spangley. I suddenly felt new erotic urges in places and ways that simply would have seemed absurd several moments ago. I decided that I needed a new hole in my stomach so that someone could fuck me in the guts. I also wanted special abrasion pads on my thighs as well as spurting face lubricant glands that tasted of strawberry. The glass rescinded it's grip and I stared the old gypsy woman in the eye. It was an omelette.
I caught wind of the next "clue style invasion" when a gang saw me throttling a jockey. You know what jockeys are like. They, not knowing the foul perversions of jockey/horse sexual association, thought I was being cruel. We had a heated debate which I won by asserting that I was living on an island where people and animals had no teeth because the tooth fairy had gone "a bit funny".
posted by David Gentle 10/11/2000
Hello. I feel elavated. It's as though I've drifted to the top of some insubstantial pole. My boots seem to be harbouring a saunter.
posted by David Gentle 10/11/2000
Monday, October 09, 2000
Well now. At work today I encountered a whole range of adventurous young people. They seemed to be wearing nothing other than hiking boots. I asked them the time and they replied "Clamber time!".
posted by David Gentle 10/9/2000
Sunday, October 08, 2000
I'm thinking of inviting some other young friends into my flat of normality. What will they do here?
posted by David Gentle 10/8/2000
Friday, October 06, 2000
Oh god. Did I miss the thing I wanted? Or didn't it occur? I am puzzled and a little confused.
posted by David Gentle 10/6/2000
I'm waiting with baited breath for the flailing to begin.
posted by David Gentle 10/6/2000
Wednesday, October 04, 2000
I've had to kick ExpresionVixtress out, I'm afraid. She made even more noise than Flirtsomely. Particularly given the involvement of Nonose, Bratulith and Todd's Seals. I have no idea what they could have been doing to make that much noise. Maybe someone should email me and take a guess?
posted by David Gentle 10/4/2000
Tried to talk to ExVi today but I couldn't get a word in edgeways. Eventually she said that the reason she talks so much is that talking is a transgressive act. I pointed out that everyone talks but she ignored me. She just went on and on and on. It was as though talking allowed her to enter into some sort of oblivious state. I wonder if she seeks oblivion because she's never experienced reality? Or maybe she just likes the sound of her own voice? Or could it have something to do with her huge stockpile of cheesy pringles?
posted by David Gentle 10/4/2000
Hi everyone! What A terrible day i've had. Thanks for cheering me up by letting me on your weblog!
posted by flirtsomely curmudgeon 10/4/2000
ExVi has been trying to turn Bratulith into a "heterosexual". She doesn't believe that people should limit their "sexuality". Several more words I just don't know yet.
posted by David Gentle 10/4/2000
Oh. Flirtsomely has her own weblog!
posted by David Gentle 10/4/2000
ExVi and I were sitting in the park today. We looked at the birds and the sky and the crowd of tramps sitting a few feet away from us. They seemed to find something interesting up ExVi's skirt. Then she said something to me:
"Put your fist in my cunt".
I asked her what a "cunt" was. After she explained that, I still had a question: "Why?" She told me that there was something in it that she wanted me to get and that the angles were wrong for her to do it. So I started placing my unclenched hand inside her when I noticed that she seemed to be dripping a fluid of some kind. I asked her what it was and she explained, somewhat impatiently, that it was a sort of special honey. I assumed it must be leaking from whatever was inside her. So I pushed my hand in. I got a fair way inside when she suggested that the best way to go further would be to ball my hand into a fist. She obviously thought I was doing it right because of the way she said "yes" every time I pushed in a little further. Finally I got my hand all the way in and there was nothing to find! I was confused. She said that I could withdraw my hand. So I did. I decided to taste the cunt honey. It didn't taste like regular honey at all. But I liked it. And I want more.
[Note: this entry is not consistant with a lot of the rest of Soap Opera. I realised after I wrote it that it was basically just sexual venting. I'm going to leave it here but don't expect too much more of this sort of thing]
posted by David Gentle 10/4/2000
Oooh. A bizare change in my life has occured. Flirtsomely appears to have left. She's been replaced by ExpresionVixtress. Who appears to be a tall female person. Todd wondered loudly about what she looked like under the makeup but as far as I'm concerned it might as well be her face!
posted by David Gentle 10/4/2000
Tuesday, October 03, 2000
Bratulith resurfaced today. He is insisting that, given his transformation a couple of weeks ago, I should start calling him "plasticfag". I tried to explain that people might think that he was a special new sort of cigarette and start setting light to him, but he just jumped into my new pool and started splashing around. "Music, must buy music", he said.
posted by David Gentle 10/3/2000
Found a new job. My skills with flash animations are coming in handy. ruBURn are a cool new web styling concern that "make the new seem mincy". I thought that one up myself. My new boss says that I have a perfect arse for business. Clearly she thinks that sitting is an important skill. This afternoon she had me practice sitting on her lap. Her name is Irene Jahocky. Irene laughs at my jokes!
posted by David Gentle 10/3/2000
Sunday, October 01, 2000
Hey! I've just been reading a book with the words "Flirtsomely's secret diary" written on the cover! Should I reproduce some of it?
posted by David Gentle 10/1/2000
Oh. Oh no. I've lost my job again. fuckMEdia has colapsed. Literally. The whole building was hit with a ray of something disastrous. Must. Get. New. Job.
posted by David Gentle 10/1/2000
I seem to be standing on my own in a city centre. It is deserted. The sun is blairing at me. Fucking tumbleweed.
posted by David Gentle 10/1/2000
Saturday, September 30, 2000
I got home from my stint of "work" with twelve satchels full of stuff. I think they may have belonged to someone else. Because I don't remember the company I work for (fuckMEdia) working from a toaster factory. It might be ironic though.
posted by David Gentle 9/30/2000
Friday, September 29, 2000
A culture of miniturisation seems to be setting in at work. The big financiers are suggesting that we have miniature towels to make us happier. I suggested that they should actually make the small towels out of cars. But they said cars were to small. Because of the miniaturisation. So I just walked into a wall.
posted by David Gentle 9/29/2000
So, okay. I was sitting in the bath tub behind my desk. Total Anarchy! The rain felt good, but I couldn't seem to shake off the Canadian accent that I'd picked up. Clean legs and a lot of work done!
posted by David Gentle 9/29/2000
Tuesday, September 26, 2000
Todd's journal extract 5
"Now they were on us. Their lips and thighs were quivering and we knew what they wanted.
'It wasn't to keep our blood at the correct temperature', growled the leading wench,'we just adore the way they squirm inside us'. The seals and I kept running but the space jeep was really fast.
It had a cool door and interesting trim. I noticed a thing hanging from the mirror. It was blurred, like a hole in someone's soul. As though I had walked in on the back of my own dream and found myself wanking. The paint was nice too.
The nurses continued to outmanoeuvre us until we realised that the guns we had might kill them. Unfortunately the guide had fallen onto a mouldy log and discovered his age. The seals might be superb at balancing stuff on their noses but they suck when it comes to gunplay. So I had to shoot them.
The bar was filled that night and we took our chances with the local beer. It tasted sweet. We tried to start a game of poker with one of the locals but he just started to exhale. We drank our beer and then ran into a tap. SMACK SMACK SMACK. We had no sense of direction in our current trousers. I personally managed to fill a complete drawer with detailed models of village cathedrals before someone took away my squeeze box.
We left the two bit burg and walked out into the desert. Stood. Cool. Air. The breeze washed across our grubby faces like a sensuous hand. I had a brief flashback to my days polishing clits for the government. They need them to look like shinny little door knockers. I suggested that they should just give out a pamphlet I had constructed with the title 'Soap your pussy: It's clean and fun!' They took my suggestion and I lost the job. I still have the little rag (they let me keep it even though it is technically government property).
I felt as though the desert was calling my name. But it was Humbert. 'Todd, do you have any sort of fucking clue where the threshing machines are?' I had to admit that I didn't. But I will find one. Some day."
posted by David Gentle 9/26/2000
Sunday, September 24, 2000
Went to work today. They seem to be employing a hippopotamus. It's just sitting there grinding it's teeth on a partition. I think it does something with paper. It seems to be covered in paper anyway. Why is everyone else screaming and running around?
posted by David Gentle 9/24/2000
Saturday, September 23, 2000
Got up this morning and couldn't see. Fucking Humbert and his shiting pranks.
posted by David Gentle 9/23/2000
I can't understand why no one listens to me. I say something to my boss and he just ignores me. Then he rang me up to say that working from home was a bad idea and that I never call him. Why would he even use the phone? It's the super spacey jet/space/information age after all!
posted by David Gentle 9/23/2000
Gargle! With that stuff? It looks as though I'm going to have to mouth cleanse with soap again. DOh! oh!
posted by David Gentle 9/23/2000
Thursday, September 21, 2000
Oh god! It's towering over me! How can something be that big without existing?
posted by David Gentle 9/21/2000
Tuesday, September 19, 2000
Yes kittens! even more!
Todd's journal extract 4
"We'd fought the stupid lions for days. It wsn't hard, they were stupid after all, but it just got annoying towards the end. When we finaly managed to trap the last one under the sink we all shared a group hug and thanked Guido with a warm crotch stroke. If it hadn't been for his bedsit-guide instincts we would have had to listen to lions falling over for several days.
We proceded from the lower door into an empty street. And then. The plains. Big stragly tree's. Brownish/tan grass. Stupid animals of all sorts were arrayed before us. Humbert barked something about it being really boring. I had to agree. Without the terror of normally clever lions and other predators there just wasn't much to do other than watching wildebeast fall into the open mouths of hienas. And I think we all know how much hienas suck. We travelled across the plain until we saw the, by this time compulsory, "big building where the people who were going to con us are". We knocked on the door and shouted as incoherently as possible about our desire for a threshing machine for my seals. The explosion was like my eyes had been removed and thrown at a wall on which a vivid portrait of Queen Sterilia from StarWars II:"Grapple Me Big Boy" had been painted. Somebody hadn't removed my eyes. They stayed where they were. I still don't know what caused the explosion but I'm willing to bet that it wasn't someone patting themselves on the forehead.
I woke up surrounded by foxy looking female nurses. Everything seemed fine. They tended to my various needs. And then. I noticed. That the seals. Had gone.
'Where are my seals?', I asked them.
'In our vaginas', they stated, 'we need them to keep our blood at the correct temperature'.
After I had forcefully removed my seals (many of whome had turned an even darker gray from oxygen loss) I stopped staying where I was and went somewhere else."
posted by David Gentle 9/19/2000
Monday, September 18, 2000
Well, all the votes are in on my little quiz. and the answer was "orange"!
posted by David Gentle 9/18/2000
Todd's Journal extract 3
"They blinded me with science. I thought their explanation sounded a bit odd but when they started going on about the rays and all that other stuff I just sort of squinted at my watch. The face looked rusty and I got the sense that it was the right thing to do.
Many years could have passed but they didn't. I haven't seen an obelisk in at least 5 days now but that last one was enough to last me for at least 3 more weeks. Addiction can be a terrible thing. Oh, of course they said I could skate with it but that was just nonsense.
So we got to the turning point and the vastness overwhelmed me. I fell to the floor in ecstasy as the obelisk filled my view. Writhed around for a while and then sat up. I was ready for the machine.
The room was smaller than any of us could possibly have expected. They just stood in the corner and glowered after I asked them what I should do next. So I sat on the floor and waited. They just stood there. After we had been sitting around for 9 minutes one of them took something from under his PVC coat. It was a gellied rat.
"Eat" was his command and so I did. Suddenly the sound of threshing filled my ears! I thought that the journey was all over! But like all the previous times it was just a waste. Conned again. I tried to get the men in the corner to give me back the blankets but they just stood there. Those of us that could walk out did."
posted by David Gentle 9/18/2000
Sunday, September 17, 2000
Okay. Here are the names of:
8 seals owned by Todd
posted by David Gentle 9/17/2000
Okay. I went for a walk (it's dark) and found some sticks (cold and clammy) that I threw for Humbert (loloping cackstick). He brought it back to me (moron) and I couldn't get it out of his mouth (clamping with need). I tried to drag him through some weeds (tickle his insolent belly) but he was having none of it (stubborn). So I left him there. Hope he explodes.
posted by David Gentle 9/17/2000
Shiting in bags and giving them to strangers! I have just noticed that the noise Flirtsomely and Todd are making is unusual. They claim that the hooting and braying accompanied by screeching is an unusual "night language" of multicultural puns and allusions. Surely it isn't? What is it? The seals...are saying nothing.
posted by David Gentle 9/17/2000
Man, I have no idea how to find some place else!
posted by David Gentle 9/17/2000
Well, I've managed to avoid Todd's attempts at physical violence for long enough to post this new excerpt from his journal. I hope you find it as educational as I did.
Todd's Journal extract 2
"Something deep and sticky lives in the tobacconist's. We tried to address ourselves to it in some obscure language with which Humbert, my fave seal, is only barely familiar.
We tried to enter it repeatedly when we realised that it was a surrealist representation of the horror of the female genitalia constructed by a man who'd only ever seen a blurry photo of the area in question. We stroked some abstract part of the thing and it spewed forth a garishly spangled jacket that fit me perfectly.
Tobacco tastes a lot like home to me. While that might be because my home was built near a tobacco processing plant I suspect it has more to do with the way my old dad used to tongue kiss me. I still remember the dreamy feeling of his stubbly face rubbing against mine as we embraced! Oh the times we kissed and made up after his various animal thefts!
So as I stood in the tobacconists I began to get vague memories of home accompanied by a feint erection.
I love my seals more than I love my dad though, and I am determined to get them threshed before this journey is over. I ended my reverie and continued my quest.
The tobacconist's lead to a stark portrait of hundreds of men with their open mouths gaping, their eyes staring in disgust at the viewer. A disturbing effect that caused several of the seals to vent ballast onto an antique oak statuette.
As I starred into the men's eyes I noticed a pattern buzzing in the corner of my own eye. I tried to move to scratch it out but I couldn't. I realised that I was trapped by my own unwillingness to confront my feelings of warmth toward my aunt and her foul, dirty-haired kitten Theresa."
Fuck me! What's going to happen next? Todd seems to be chilling to the idea of these posts. Unfortunately he has also heard about colaborative webloging. So he and Flirtsomely may being joining the weblog soon! I hope Humbert lives long enough to post something too.
posted by David Gentle 9/17/2000
Saturday, September 16, 2000
Ooops. Todds getting a bit pissy about me scanning in his diarys. He said he was going to "flatten me with all available pain inducing devices". Fortunately he is stupid enough to believe my excuse: i thought it was an armada of ships!
posted by David Gentle 9/16/2000
Okay, heres the first bit from Todd's journal:
Todd's Journal extract 1
"All I had to do was get onto the other side of the bush! I climbed up the side of the hill to get closer to it but I started to slip back down. My lack of traction was emulated by the seals. Eventually we got up there with a combination of Humberts sticky saliva and pure effort.
'Hoorah', we shouted, as the bush was pushed aside! Our journey, ended! Or so we thought. Before us we saw the distraught remains of the flesh threshing facility, the bones of it's structure laid bare by age.
Fucking pixies.
You think you're going to see a reunion of one of the better bands of all time and you end up being conned by elves. We wanted to walk back to the tower but we'd given them our humping stick as payment for the location. There was nothing we could do but come back to camp.
I have no idea what will happen tomorrow but those fucking pixies better not try and peddle ride that humping stick in our big fireball."
Wow! Exciting!
posted by David Gentle 9/16/2000
Thursday, September 14, 2000
"Todd. Leave my stuff alone." Those were my first waking words today as I emerged from a dream about melons. I have been haunted by Todds quest. And the constant yelling from Flirtsomely's room now that Todd has moved in. His old flat had turned into a pile of dishes and was washed by a troupe of passing nuns. Fuck.
posted by David Gentle 9/14/2000
Wednesday, September 13, 2000
Fuck me! Todd is back! And so are the seals! He couldn't find a way to thresh them properly! Of course Flirtsomely is saying that she's never going back to him. You may remember that she made her anus into a room a while ago as an act of protest. I suspect she will live with me for a while. I may post some notes from Todd's journey.
posted by David Gentle 9/13/2000
Monday, September 11, 2000
Those scrapings? The one's in the gallery? Surely not? They may be Flirtsomely's skin but that doesn't mean they float.
posted by David Gentle 9/11/2000
This is the best! Every day I get up in the afternoon and get to be alive! Wow! Now all I have to figure out are the other things that you have to do to get happiness. Doh!
posted by David Gentle 9/11/2000
Sunday, September 10, 2000
Oooh, the thing. It's got up and hidden itself again. Who knows when it will leap out at me?
posted by David Gentle 9/10/2000
Saturday, September 09, 2000
There's something of a crusting over sensation. Like a wound that will allways be there. How many other people are broken in a way that cannot be fixed?
posted by David Gentle 9/9/2000
Friday, September 08, 2000
Someone is laying in the corner cringing. Like a cat in a bag waiting to be turned into foam by an alien froth trolley. Is it Bratulith (who is as he ever was) or Flirtsomely? No. It's something altogether else.
posted by David Gentle 9/8/2000
Thursday, September 07, 2000
Why do I only sit in fields? When I stand up you can see the sun. Not from my ass. My mouth is all strange. I'm strangled. Calculating the way to get things out.
posted by David Gentle 9/7/2000
Tuesday, September 05, 2000
Why do I have a second penis? Simply because getting the first one fixed was such an easy job that the second one seemed like a really cool idea. It's fixed just above my anus and it's like having a tail!
posted by David Gentle 9/5/2000
I'm depressed. I just cannot get the pump attached to my second penis to work. I can only do 1 of my girl friends! if anyone knows about cock maintenance can they call me? Thanks.
posted by David Gentle 9/5/2000
Sunday, September 03, 2000
Wow! I saw Mr O'Flanagan from school today! It's amazing how time has changed my view of him. When I was in school he seemed like this huge authority figure who was out to control my life. Now I know better. I can see now that he's just a twisted little fucker.
posted by David Gentle 9/3/2000
Friday, September 01, 2000
Scandalous happenings on Play with yourself for money fuckhead! The man wearing what was plainly his best hat and not much else told the presenter that he just couldn't cum! And the presenter got one of the aging show girls to arrange some stout! Genius! Televisual perfection! I almost came myself! I would if I could have stopped screaming.
posted by David Gentle 9/1/2000
So! The slow ones have caught up with me! Slithering out of their ground holes like little snakes smeared with molten cheese. Bratulith is now a plastic bag. What I thought was a metamorphic cacoon is infact his new body. He says he may be back to normal in a few days. Okay then.
posted by David Gentle 9/1/2000
Tuesday, August 29, 2000
Aaaah! Bratulith has been running around the house starting fires for the past hour! I must get him out before something bad happens.
posted by David Gentle 8/29/2000
Bratulith came out of his cacoon and started making a noise like an air raid siren.
posted by David Gentle 8/29/2000
Oh no. i can't believe it! I've lost my job at MediaSlut the high end low bandwidth design consultancy with added love! The hassles of working more than 2 hours a day were beginning to get to me anyway. And I've found another job.
posted by David Gentle 8/29/2000
Sunday, August 27, 2000
There would appear to be some vermin in the road. They are chickens. I wonder what they taste like?
posted by David Gentle 8/27/2000
Friday, August 25, 2000
Bratulith seems to be undergoing some sort of bizarre, insect like metamorphasis. He has been wrapped up in the same plastic bag for a week and won't come out. Of course...he could be dead.
posted by David Gentle 8/25/2000
Thursday, August 24, 2000
Oh god. I've just figured out that the living room is Flirtsomely's anus. Actually that's cool.
posted by David Gentle 8/24/2000
Wednesday, August 23, 2000
I just walked into the living room. It was pulsing and veiny.
posted by David Gentle 8/23/2000
Tuesday, August 22, 2000
They just don't understand the ramifications of the boats. They just sit there in their silly macs and discuss things.
posted by David Gentle 8/22/2000
Monday, August 21, 2000
Bratulith keeps insisting that I come out to a bar with him. I would agree but I know he plans to try and burn Pillory in a public place for his own amusement and I hate the smell of burning diesel. Pillory continues to moan about the failings of the modern world so I slap him with a bat. He just says I'm "girlish in my slapstroke".
posted by David Gentle 8/21/2000
I was called on the phone buy a man claiming to be "horselike". I just pointed out that I don't really need that sort of thing. He replied that he wasn't telling me because he thought I wanted some sort of service but because he thought I ought to know.
posted by David Gentle 8/21/2000
They take out the minds of passers by with forks. I just sit and watch.
posted by David Gentle 8/21/2000
Sunday, August 20, 2000
Flirtsomely wants all you feminist ladies out there to know that she's really emancipated. Guess why she's too busy to type this herself.
posted by David Gentle 8/20/2000
Saturday, August 19, 2000
Wow! The screaming of the emasculated men in "Travelling Knockvurst Extravaganza" has drowned out Pillory's wailing! What a cool show! I think the radical feminists are about to try and make a Ju Ju out of all the cocks they've collected. Lets hope the use it's phalic power to take over the world!
posted by David Gentle 8/19/2000
Pillory is hiding under the bed. Again. he's taken my collection of emaciated crows and appears to be sucking them for "comfort". Flirtsomely tried to coax him out by offering him ice cream but that didn't work. Bratulith tried to coax him with promises of sexual favours but that just made him start this sort of bizarre moaning noise. Like of you took a dog and tied it's legs to a belt sander or something. It's just not fair. I want my crows back. And you have no idea how unerotic it can be to have sex on a bed that has a bizarre, moaning psychotic underneath it.
posted by David Gentle 8/19/2000
Pillory came over today. He. Just. Whines. "Oh the world is going to end." "Oh some other shit." He was even suggesting that weblogs, the greatest force for freedom ever, are just "a lot of ranting crap". Pillory Masterate: no.
posted by David Gentle 8/19/2000
WOW! That new TV show is the best EVER! Clowns! African magic! Penis cutting! Travelling Knockvurst Extravaganza may be the best thing ever.
posted by David Gentle 8/19/2000
Wednesday, August 16, 2000
I find it difficult to venture into the garden when the neighbours are out. The temptation to shoot them is very high. I lust after their blood. I want to stick my tongue in the bullet holes. But that doesn't make me a bad person. I know that I'm good at heart and that Jesus loves me.
posted by David Gentle 8/16/2000
Wow, today I was watching "Relativaty". It's the best TV ever, except for my other 5 faves. When that guy shot his Mom in the arse I made a sort of high pitched squealing sound so loud that the lights went on!
posted by David Gentle 8/16/2000
Why? I have to disagree with your assertion. Simplicity is great!
posted by David Gentle 8/16/2000
No, Mr Thrifty. I think "UUUH, UUUH, UUUH" is a great work of TV art.
posted by David Gentle 8/16/2000
Tuesday, August 15, 2000
Yeah, but Johan, I can't see that triffle from here.
posted by David Gentle 8/15/2000
Monday, August 14, 2000
I see that everybody else is getting readers. Why can't I have some. I know that my thoughts are on a higher level than yours, but really! Flirtsomely has been a great houseguest. She's even managed to keep away from all the phalic objects in the house. She started complaining to me last night though. "I've got no internal life", she said. "I don't really function as a character". "That's okay, neither do any of my other friends", I said. "Oh, okay then", she said with a gracious smile. And then she sucked me off!
posted by David Gentle 8/14/2000
Sunday, August 13, 2000
Oh no! Bratulith has been sued! The makers of TVGOHome are claiming that he has based his entire personality on Nathan Barley, some character on their website! Bratulith is understandably pissed off. "I only looked at the site a few times ages ago", he said. I asked him whether that was before his new style emerged but he didn't answer. He just started talking on the cell phone with his pal about ice cream and puns.
posted by David Gentle 8/13/2000
I just read this review of "The Dog Like Puke". See what you think:
"The Dog Like Puke
Prod: Slotio Flotiola
In the beginning they tried to make TV that entertained people and it worked. But slowly people wanted more and more, and then they wanted less and less. And now the most obvious concrete manifestation of this trend, the final step in the path of corruption and depravity is this. It begins each week as the story of an inept sailor making his way to buy a bacon sandwiche. He meets, and imagines naked, a number of women. For some reason that isn't explained all the women have dogs. So far so tasteful. But what happens next is distasteful in the extreme. He invites them back to his flat, where he commands them to help him make their dogs vomit into a bag which he keeps under his bed "for his daughter's special medicine". If they refuse they are forced with various utensils to comply. I need not mention the shocking scenes of lesbianism and bestiality between his daughter and the women/dogs. The degree of detail in the camerawork, while admirable in any other production, is, in this case, unwarranted.
It would be almost excusable if this where some experimental Channel 4 one off but this is the 13th identical episode so far. What has the viewing public been reduced to? Simple couch potatoes? Do they ask for no more than this sick puerile filth?
When I started doing this job I had high hopes for the future but now I can see only deeper depths of monotonous excrement. The quality of TV has declined so much that I no longer want to live. Goodbye.
Chester Lobesard R.I.P."
Is it just me, or is this guy harshing "The dog Like Puke" a bit overly muchly? I think it rocks! It's got so much cool stuff and the girl on dog scences are cool and stuff! I guess I must be directly in the target audience! What does anyone else think?
posted by David Gentle 8/13/2000
There were these people. All standing on the pavement. They were all facing the same direction. I asked Flirtsomely (she was with me because...well it's getting a little uncomfortable to discuss this sort of private matter, maybe later) what they were doing and she said: "they are queuing for a bus". It took a little while for her to explain that to me. Why don't they just get cars! Or elephants!
posted by David Gentle 8/13/2000
Saturday, August 12, 2000
So. There I was. Walking along a road as though it were a pavement, when who should leap out from behind an unnaturally big pile of old newspapers. Flirtsomely. I don't know why but I just...haven't wanted to talk to her since the whole seal incident. She said "hi" and asked me if I'd seen Todd. I said "no, why?" He's left her and taken the seals with him. No note. Not even a message smeared on the fridge in jam. So she's staying at my place for a couple of days. But I've locked my collection of bratwurst in a cupboard. She is not moistening THEM.
posted by David Gentle 8/12/2000
Well, I'm still addicted to "Play with yourself for money, fuckhead". It's a really gross idea but I am addicted. What can I say, I guess I have no self control at all. I mean, when they brought on the leper and got him to show his sores and the poor guy just went soft in a second I could not drag myself away from the TV. It's just such compelling entertainment. Predictably Bratulith is trying to get on the show and demonstrate his manly prowess (which, judging from his last attempt, is not as extensive as he imagines). Apparently he knows a producer or something and he's going on the show. I wonder what the "negative inducments" will be? Maybe they'll give his mother a call and she can show the public where he gets his "oilyness" from. I will elaborate on that last point only if I am asked.
posted by David Gentle 8/12/2000
Oh god! Milk is horrible! I left it on the side for later and when I came back there where flies in it. So I thought I'd be open minded because everyone else tells me milk is great. So I took a bite and it was vile! Bitty and horrible!
posted by David Gentle 8/12/2000
Hey, I tried milk today! It's much better than I expected!
posted by David Gentle 8/12/2000
I am finding it increasingly hard to justify my budget for clothes. I must spend more. I need, very strongly, to look as though I walked into a fashionable boutique and wandered around in a blind panic, picking up whatever clothes I saw and then ran out into the street without paying.
posted by David Gentle 8/12/2000
They keep. Trying. Too get in. I close the door but they just use the window. "Pesky" is the word I use when these things happen. I asked Todd but he only knows about seals. I asked Nonose (who I have started talking to again after our...disagreement) and he said that Flirtsomely is an expert, that she studied in university. I don't want to talk to her. Bratulith came over and expressed the opinion that he was "way sexy". I told him about my problem but he just stared at me. For over 5 minutes. Then, "can we PLEASE talk about ME now?"
posted by David Gentle 8/12/2000
Thursday, August 10, 2000
Oooh. Earlier today I was dancing like it was 1999! That means I was pretending that I was still a woman!
posted by David Gentle 8/10/2000
Today I went to a bar with my fellow webloging friend! We got drunk and did various wacky things! I painted a dwarf in the national colours of Sweden and Bratulith tried to have sex with the barman! He's so wacky. We're at home now and he's sitting on a couch masturbating over a picture of himself! He loves that nice new hair!
posted by David Gentle 8/10/2000
Wednesday, August 09, 2000
Sad.
posted by David Gentle 8/9/2000
Happy!
posted by David Gentle 8/9/2000
Sad.
posted by David Gentle 8/9/2000
Happy!
posted by David Gentle 8/9/2000
Gone. Sad.
posted by David Gentle 8/9/2000
Back! Happy!
posted by David Gentle 8/9/2000
She's gone again. I'm sad.
posted by David Gentle 8/9/2000
She's back with me. I am happy!
posted by David Gentle 8/9/2000
Maxine is going out with Trevston. I am in the pits of despair.
posted by David Gentle 8/9/2000
Maxine has dropped Nonose! Hooray! We are back together and happy!
posted by David Gentle 8/9/2000
Oh god. Maxine is seeing someone else. It's Nonose. She has, according to Trevston, been seeing him for "ages" because she likes the flatness of his face. I hate women. Bo Ho ho.
posted by David Gentle 8/9/2000
The lovely Maxine came over today. She's Maxwells sister and she's great. We are in such deep love and are going to get married. Women are fabulous! She says that I have a really cute nose and that she likes to suck it!
posted by David Gentle 8/9/2000
Tuesday, August 08, 2000
Well. Todd knows about Flirtsomely. He was encouraging her. Bastard.
posted by David Gentle 8/8/2000
Gosh! i hope that I haven't found a dead crow in my bag! That would be terrible!
posted by David Gentle 8/8/2000
...those things are curtains! I thought they were bread! No wonder they make my mouth all fluffy! Chewing them was so hard!
posted by David Gentle 8/8/2000
Oh wow! It's just occured to me!
posted by David Gentle 8/8/2000
Monday, August 07, 2000
I was watching "Play with yourself for money, fuckhead" today and all I can say is "flabby arse". I think I had an episode of some sort and I've had to type things for people because I can't speak properly. That is one hell of a TV show! Also Flirtsomely came over with Todd. I didn't know whether to tell Todd about what I'd seen her doing with his seals. What do you think? Maybe I should have one of those cool poll things! Yeah!
posted by David Gentle 8/7/2000
Some of my friends came over today! Todd, Maxwell, Flirtsomely and Nonose all turned up to congratulate me on a job well done with my new weblog! This one! They brought a van filled to the brim with cheese and a lot of smiling faces they cut off of people on the way here!
Thanks guys!
posted by David Gentle 8/7/2000
Hey, I got a new sofa today! I don't sit on it because it looks a bit like some guy off the TV. I often wonder whether TV plays too central a role in my life. Does it? Surely it can't, given the joy and wonder of "The dog like puke" and "Play with yourself for money, fuckhead". If you are from some place other than England you will not have seen these superb shows. You poor unlucky devils.
posted by David Gentle 8/7/2000
Sunday, August 06, 2000
A big bird came tumbling through my windows today. It had a thing around it's neck like a coarse hockey glove. Naturally I objected to this intrusion. I simply threw the bird out again! Then Mr Porter my neighbour asked if he could have the dubious wreck of an avian. I told him to take it away and do whatever he wanted to it. It was only 5 minutes later that I realised that Mr Porter was a rabid sexual deviant! How could I tell? The noise. Always listen.
posted by David Gentle 8/6/2000
There are several numbers at the gate.
posted by David Gentle 8/6/2000
Saturday, August 05, 2000
Well great! Today I saw todd and his collection of burgeoning young seals! Go Todd! I hope you find a flesh threshing facility with the suitable equipment!
posted by David Gentle 8/5/2000
Hey kids! This blog is an attempt to do the inverse of Complete Toss! I.e. it will feature stuff about my life in a soap opera stylee. Unfortunately it will also be largly fabricated. Sorry.
posted by David Gentle 8/5/2000
This page is © David
Gentle 2000. It is a work of distasteful fiction.