Archive David Gentle info and blogdex

Saturday, September 23, 2000

Got up this morning and couldn't see. Fucking Humbert and his shiting pranks.
posted by David Gentle 9/23/2000

I can't understand why no one listens to me. I say something to my boss and he just ignores me. Then he rang me up to say that working from home was a bad idea and that I never call him. Why would he even use the phone? It's the super spacey jet/space/information age after all!
posted by David Gentle 9/23/2000

Gargle! With that stuff? It looks as though I'm going to have to mouth cleanse with soap again. DOh! oh!
posted by David Gentle 9/23/2000

Thursday, September 21, 2000

Oh god! It's towering over me! How can something be that big without existing?
posted by David Gentle 9/21/2000

Tuesday, September 19, 2000

Yes kittens! even more!
Todd's journal extract 4
"We'd fought the stupid lions for days. It wsn't hard, they were stupid after all, but it just got annoying towards the end. When we finaly managed to trap the last one under the sink we all shared a group hug and thanked Guido with a warm crotch stroke. If it hadn't been for his bedsit-guide instincts we would have had to listen to lions falling over for several days.
We proceded from the lower door into an empty street. And then. The plains. Big stragly tree's. Brownish/tan grass. Stupid animals of all sorts were arrayed before us. Humbert barked something about it being really boring. I had to agree. Without the terror of normally clever lions and other predators there just wasn't much to do other than watching wildebeast fall into the open mouths of hienas. And I think we all know how much hienas suck. We travelled across the plain until we saw the, by this time compulsory, "big building where the people who were going to con us are". We knocked on the door and shouted as incoherently as possible about our desire for a threshing machine for my seals. The explosion was like my eyes had been removed and thrown at a wall on which a vivid portrait of Queen Sterilia from StarWars II:"Grapple Me Big Boy" had been painted. Somebody hadn't removed my eyes. They stayed where they were. I still don't know what caused the explosion but I'm willing to bet that it wasn't someone patting themselves on the forehead.
I woke up surrounded by foxy looking female nurses. Everything seemed fine. They tended to my various needs. And then. I noticed. That the seals. Had gone.
'Where are my seals?', I asked them. 'In our vaginas', they stated, 'we need them to keep our blood at the correct temperature'.
After I had forcefully removed my seals (many of whome had turned an even darker gray from oxygen loss) I stopped staying where I was and went somewhere else."
posted by David Gentle 9/19/2000

Monday, September 18, 2000

Well, all the votes are in on my little quiz. and the answer was "orange"!
posted by David Gentle 9/18/2000

Todd's Journal extract 3
"They blinded me with science. I thought their explanation sounded a bit odd but when they started going on about the rays and all that other stuff I just sort of squinted at my watch. The face looked rusty and I got the sense that it was the right thing to do.
Many years could have passed but they didn't. I haven't seen an obelisk in at least 5 days now but that last one was enough to last me for at least 3 more weeks. Addiction can be a terrible thing. Oh, of course they said I could skate with it but that was just nonsense.
So we got to the turning point and the vastness overwhelmed me. I fell to the floor in ecstasy as the obelisk filled my view. Writhed around for a while and then sat up. I was ready for the machine.
The room was smaller than any of us could possibly have expected. They just stood in the corner and glowered after I asked them what I should do next. So I sat on the floor and waited. They just stood there. After we had been sitting around for 9 minutes one of them took something from under his PVC coat. It was a gellied rat.
"Eat" was his command and so I did. Suddenly the sound of threshing filled my ears! I thought that the journey was all over! But like all the previous times it was just a waste. Conned again. I tried to get the men in the corner to give me back the blankets but they just stood there. Those of us that could walk out did."
posted by David Gentle 9/18/2000

Sunday, September 17, 2000

Okay. Here are the names of:
8 seals owned by Todd

1. Humbert: Noted fo his linguistic ability.
2. Cumulo Floty: Jumps over whole caravans.
3. Slank: She thinks it's nice to sit under trees.
4. Punty: The devil has taken this ones poor soul leaving behind a husk of flesh that can barely be threshed.
5. Smoot: Lives on the floor. Rolls over.
6. Funty: She has coarse fur.
7. Cloaked: He stands on his fins in parks to try and intimidate sailors!
8. Deroop: Likes fish.

posted by David Gentle 9/17/2000

Okay. I went for a walk (it's dark) and found some sticks (cold and clammy) that I threw for Humbert (loloping cackstick). He brought it back to me (moron) and I couldn't get it out of his mouth (clamping with need). I tried to drag him through some weeds (tickle his insolent belly) but he was having none of it (stubborn). So I left him there. Hope he explodes.
posted by David Gentle 9/17/2000

Shiting in bags and giving them to strangers! I have just noticed that the noise Flirtsomely and Todd are making is unusual. They claim that the hooting and braying accompanied by screeching is an unusual "night language" of multicultural puns and allusions. Surely it isn't? What is it? The seals...are saying nothing.
posted by David Gentle 9/17/2000

Man, I have no idea how to find some place else!
posted by David Gentle 9/17/2000

Well, I've managed to avoid Todd's attempts at physical violence for long enough to post this new excerpt from his journal. I hope you find it as educational as I did.
Todd's Journal extract 2
"Something deep and sticky lives in the tobacconist's. We tried to address ourselves to it in some obscure language with which Humbert, my fave seal, is only barely familiar.
We tried to enter it repeatedly when we realised that it was a surrealist representation of the horror of the female genitalia constructed by a man who'd only ever seen a blurry photo of the area in question. We stroked some abstract part of the thing and it spewed forth a garishly spangled jacket that fit me perfectly.
Tobacco tastes a lot like home to me. While that might be because my home was built near a tobacco processing plant I suspect it has more to do with the way my old dad used to tongue kiss me. I still remember the dreamy feeling of his stubbly face rubbing against mine as we embraced! Oh the times we kissed and made up after his various animal thefts!
So as I stood in the tobacconists I began to get vague memories of home accompanied by a feint erection.
I love my seals more than I love my dad though, and I am determined to get them threshed before this journey is over. I ended my reverie and continued my quest.
The tobacconist's lead to a stark portrait of hundreds of men with their open mouths gaping, their eyes staring in disgust at the viewer. A disturbing effect that caused several of the seals to vent ballast onto an antique oak statuette.
As I starred into the men's eyes I noticed a pattern buzzing in the corner of my own eye. I tried to move to scratch it out but I couldn't. I realised that I was trapped by my own unwillingness to confront my feelings of warmth toward my aunt and her foul, dirty-haired kitten Theresa."
Fuck me! What's going to happen next? Todd seems to be chilling to the idea of these posts. Unfortunately he has also heard about colaborative webloging. So he and Flirtsomely may being joining the weblog soon! I hope Humbert lives long enough to post something too.
posted by David Gentle 9/17/2000

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