8 new bands, their musical style, the name of their latest single and a perfunctory review

1. Playing flutes with mustard : slamcrack : "Blow my pipe you war whore fuck" : A screaming ghastly wreck of noise and sexual allusions. Mavis McCracken's voice is somehow suited to lyrics that liken a vagina (possibly even her own) to the barrel of a gun spewing the bullets of beauty into a world filled with hate, thus: "Oooh yeah/ War..um..whore, yeah".
2. Closed eyes, folded minds : crucified jelly : "Smacking your lips with a cane" : Pimpsodesic Fanty and his band of merry abuse survivors make another attempt to convince the world that they really are very depressed and that their deep seated hatred of women is somehow cool.
3. All black and spangley : slushgoth : "Even more slowly please" : Black clad and obsessive lead singer Michelle Tomtom harmonises her voice with both the guitar of Arminglungs Coud and the bass of Tom Clots. The effect is like a cross between an even sluttier Britney Spears and having someone stick a chisel in your ear.
4. Slow Fluttering Jesus : horsetranqualiserbasey : "Fuck my fucking fuck hole, yeah" : Despite a worrying obsesion with mutilating cats ("cats all mashed/ throw them in the bath/stringy cat fuckers/always make me laugh") Harry Nomint's band produce a sort of whelp of grandieur. Admitedly they are lyrically limited and musically less than proficient but there is something about the way that they take huge amounts of drugs and just do what they want that is cool.
5. Floaty Dressed : breastcore : "Yes to your proposition" : Jesus. I'm actually ejaculating now. Someone please take the record off. I'm getting "the gush". Oh shit...cum turning red!!!
6. Semen : country&ooze : "Take my darlin' to the tatoo place, get a piercing in her lip" : Mad country musician turned semen vampire Justin Lambastic produces another misanthropic gem. Filled with horse shouting and sex noises, this recording is destined to be a classic. I'm sure it will live up to my expectations when I get sent a copy.
7. Throwndownstairsbymommy : clattercore : "Crank, crank, crank" : Like someone walking into the largest kitchen in the world with a gigantic electro-magnet and just standing their while the pots fly around.
8. Practise shits : patheticouterring : "Oooh" : Wank.

9/2/2000 11:42:55 PM

8 words or phrases that might easily replace the x and y in this sentance: "i would very much like to x your y"

1. climb over : love mountains
2. swallow : beautiful lips
3. throw stones at : grandparents
4. try to get through the hole in : fence
5. grasp : cock
6. smother : cat
7. fly with you on a journey to : moist island home in the bahamas
8. fist you until : eyes bulge out like ripe oranges

9/2/2000 11:42:37 PM

8 ways to offend christians

1. If you are a woman try wearing a short skirt and sitting on a low stool without crossing your legs.
2. Eating bread, the flesh of our lord, in a frenzied fashion, as though our lords sacrifice was merely a means for feasting and not the saving of our souls.
3. Any vague implication about Mr Christ's sexuality, for instance the possibility that he used his penis for something other than urinating (though even the existence of His penis is disputed by some notable clerics. "Would our lord the lovely Jesus have had the time for a hose attached at the crotch?" asks Rev. Fertive Cloakmolding.)
4. Refering to our Lord as "That guy, you know, the cross one? Nails? Him."
5. Scandalously talking while other, more respectable, members of the congregation do the lords work of singing and/or knitting.
6. Wearing a dress if you're not a woman.
7. Touching another man, for to touch the flesh of another man is a sign that you think our lord the beautiful baby Jesus was some sort of cock toucher too, goddamn your nose and eyes.
8. Using bad words i.e. resistance, subversion, fun, vulva.

9/2/2000 11:40:18 PM

8 GOOD or BAD possible tastes for semen

1. GOOD Chocolatey
2. BAD Shampoo
3. GOOD Rose petals
4. BAD Bleach
5. GOOD Treacle
6. BAD Phlegm
7. GOOD Butter
8. BAD Maggot infested cat

8/31/2000 11:08:10 PM

8 ways to demonstrate disrespect

1. Wipe your nose on their back.
2. Sleep with their spouse. While they're in the house. Then send videos to all their friends.
3. Just slap them. All the time. Keep doing it. On. And on. And on.
4. Walk up to them in the street with a cheery "hello" and use them as a urinal.
5. Grunt like a pig when they try to talk to you.
6. Put up a sign outside your house suggesting that the individual in question "might fuck horses".
7. Ask to borrow some of their personal stationary. Say that you'll give it back. Use it to wipe your tender anus withafter deficating. When you give it back say: "thanks, that felt good!"
8. Ask if you can inspect their teeth.

8/31/2000 02:02:32 AM

8 flavours that you can expect from work

1. Meaty : All that yeast never goes to waste.
2. Savoury like noses : Because you find it in your jacket.
3. Sweet like bubblegum : It's under the stairs. Hiding. And waiting.
4. Painty : It slides under your fingernails.
5. Leathery burning : All those people in the garage take it off and leave it there.
6. Plastic : Some consultants like to be smothered.
7. Blood : Flimsey clothes may break.
8. Musty : The average working life of a pair of stockings can be 2 minutes.

8/31/2000 02:02:17 AM

8 reasons to find a new lover

1. Your current lover is dead and the dead smell unpleasent.
2. Your current lover smells dead but actually isn't.
3. You can't pronounce your current lovers name.
4. The labels in your lovers clothes bore you. They just make you say "hmm".
5. The individual in question doesn't enjoy your anal explorations.
6. They made a trifle out of the cat. You wouldn't mind except that you were hacking up hair for a week. And you found the tail in the cupboard and thought it was an umbrela. You took it to work with you and at lunchtime went out in the rain. When you tried to put the umbrela up you found yourself having to explain the sitution to your work colleages. They just laughed it off but you were very embarresed.
7. Sometimes, when you're having a relaxing bath, they make you vomit by pressing their fingers on the back of your tongue.
8. You hate their face.

8/30/2000 11:53:17 PM

8 alternatives to washing

1. Removal of sweat producing glands.
2. Stinking
3. Joining the army.
4. Becoming one with your scent and not caring about other peoples opinion.
5. Starting a career scaring foxes.
6. Long term psyciatric illness.
7. Carrying bags of suet for the government.
8. Swimming.

8/30/2000 01:24:54 AM

88 new Olympic sports (with due deference to the beauty of TVGOHome)

1. The 5 cm : Controversial new track event. All competitors are strapped to a wall and have, by some means, to get a part of their body to stand out by 5 cm
2. 100m Hanging : Four nooses are set up in a row. The competitors are stationed 100m away and have to sprint to the gallows and hang themselves. Any survivors are shot (the official rules call for it).
3. 100m marathon : Pointless event in which athletes attempt to run 26 miles as a sequence of 100m dashes thereby killing themselves.
4. Abstract Decathlon : Twenty-eight men sit in a field and think about physical activity. They walk in circles and eye each other warily. Winner creates a perfect representation of a pole vault by moving his hands back and forth while humming.
5. Anarchic bowls : Elderly people are set on fire and then forced to throw angry gobs of hot lead at each other until they die.
6. Anchor insertion : Three teams of burly men smear butter over ships anchors and then chase down the preprepared slaves (known as "supplicants") and try and force an anchor into every available orifice. The team with the fewest anchors left wins. In the event of a tie the depth of penetration is assessed. Sponsored by "I can't believe it's not butter".
7. Arguing about sport : A large group of men sits in a small room talking about various sports. Points are scored by avoiding the chisels being flung by insane former clowns, disgraced because of they flagrant displays of sexuality under inappropriate circumstances.
8. Beach cricket : Shambling, semi-drunk men smack a tennis ball with a bat until they knock it into the ice-cream of a child who's father is a highly trained SAS officer. He becomes enraged and proceeds to demonstrate the finer points of crotch kicking and head removing. Points are score by not bleeding on the rug and running away without allowing there shorts to fall down.
9. Beach netball : Large crowds of men gathering in the hope of a display of semi naked and taughtly muscled females are disappointed by the site of dowdy chicks in unsexy skirts throwing a big ball in what is clearly the girliest and least exciting sport ever. On sand. And I don't care what they say on Grange Hill, there is no way a team of gangling women would beat basketball players at this game whether they were male or female.
10. Bright child leg throwing : Disgustingly bright children, i.e. the ones who question least and, as such, become indoctrinated into the system more quickly, are lined up to be thrown by burly men. Replaces hammer throwing (which was deemed by Olympic officials to be "a bad example for young people"). The winner is the competitor who registers the largest response from the crowd on the "laugh-o-meter" when the annoying brat slams it's fat, bespectacled head into the specially prepared pavement.
11. Buggering rams : Excited children look on as a posse of fearless lesbians capture and anally penetrate the rams with their large and sharpened strap-on dildoes. There is no winner because competition is a patriarchal device used to oppress women.
12. Burst lung 10000 meters : Unusually dangerous distance running sport which requires the runners to hold their breath on every even lap (2,4,6...etc.) and to breath fire like badly prepared circus acrobats every odd lap.
13. Calcium frenzy : health freaks compete to drink milk while their bored spouses sit alone in the stands.
14. Calculating Pi : Fat nerdish boys and girls sit around trying to work out Pi to the greatest accuracy possible. The competitors, minor sports journalists, dosed with PCP and armed with knives, have to restrain their urges for as long as possible. The last competitor not to take part in the ensuing orgy of shattered limbs and rent body cavities leaching fat, blood and shit is the winner.
15. Car massage : Men touch cars.
16. Car park suicide jumping : Teams of angsty young men compete against their disgusting, uncaring parents. Nobody ever wins.
17. Closed eye horse trials : Equine competition in which both the horse and the rider are required to have their eyes glued shut.
18. Cockey : Hockey but with cocks instead of sticks. Men kneel on the grass attempting to bat the hard, white, leathery ball into the goal with their dangling cocks until they start to bleed. Hazards include the hordes of naked, innocent, pigtailed and tethered girls being spanked by dominants sluts until their pert little bottoms are raw. Erections, and other fouls, are penalised by ten minutes in the "sin bin", a large bucket filled with starving parrots.
19. Colour blind aqua planning : Colour blind people throw themselves along a stretch of tarmac that is covered by a film of water. The farther the more points.
20. Dog biting : Angry hyenas compete to see who can bite the lone dog on it's ass the most times.
21. Doin' the Do : Competitors sit around trying to figure out what the fuck "Doin' the Do" actually is. The first to figure out what it is has to do it. All the other competitors are then required to watch battery hens lay eggs until their eyes cloud over. In the event that "Doin' the Do" actually involves watching battery hens the event is called off.
22. Drastic ski jumping : Men are dragged along abrasive tarmac by a speeding 4*4 separated from the road only by their bare feet. At some point a jump will be reached. They may fly off of it.
23. Dunkin' donuts : An array on succulent treats are layed out before fat, obsessive men, who have to run 50m to a table before they can eat. All the men who get to the table win.
24. Earnest diving : Men who have nothing better to do than jump off of stuff into water stand around trying to pretend that they're doing something really worthwhile as a crowd of onlookers of mixed gender pretend to be interested in the pathetic business as an excuse to stare at scantily clad, tanned and muscular persons of the gender/s of their choice. Extra points are awarded for cutting yourself just to show how important it is to you.
25. Endless fucking running : Starting in the second week many muscular young people with nothing better to do start running around in what is probably one big event.
26. Extreme aggressive vert action : Hairy middle aged men desperately attempt to win the approval of the many teenage onlookers by running up and down a half pipe while making plane style swooshing noises and wearing stupidly baggy jeans that expose their underpants.
27. Extreme gymnastics : Gnarled twenty-something men attempt to impress dodgy looking women by doing backflips and somersaults on a variety of equipment with only the very minimum of training. Aside from the standard gymnastic devices (beam, rings etc.) the competitors are required to be vaguely proficient with "the meathooks" (two meat hooks from which the competitors do a variety of rolls and tumbles while suspended by their nipples) and "the wall" (a thirty foot concrete wall that the competitors fall off after consuming eighteen pints of watery American beer).
28. Extreme running : Drug addled teenagers attempt to run away from an imaginary police car (simulated in the sport by a freaky lookin' Asian guy sittin' on a mondo skate board) while experiencing the sensation of cold moist lizards running across their skin and flicking at them with their pointedly barbed tongues.
29. Fraught archery : Version of archery in which competitors fire arrows at each other instead of at targets. Eyes score 10 points, mouths score 5 points and anywhere else scores 2 points.
30. Food swimming : Young ladies and gentlemen swim naked through various viscous and non viscous foodstuffs. Split into three categories: Treacle events, pork events and raw vegetable events.
31. Fuck puppy golf : Unusual variation of golf in which rich men use their perky and falsely enthusiastic young wives as naked T's and caddies while their haggard and disturbed drug addict/abuse victim daughters try desperately to please daddy by acting as the holes.
32. Fucking sharks : Extreme sport so extreme then people who own the extreme sport franchise will not allow the word "extreme" to be used in the same sentence. Wrassle your shark. Give it some chat. Fuck it to death. Gold meddle goes to the corpse of the man who survives longest in the shark tank. World record: 1.8 secs.
33. Finger fencing : Confusion reins this year as an obscure euphemism for masturbation is made into an Olympic event. Competitors who think they are sword fighting without the danger of pointed implements are in for a shock as they mount the specially constructed stand to be informed of the detailed rules about "spray" and "angle of ejaculation".
34. Gargling piss : Macho men from Russia insisted that they get something they could do.
35. Giant man and bucket : Three men representing their nations don large, rubbery, hard to manoeuvre costumes that make them look like dorks. They must then run down a slippery plastic sheet and fill a sponge with coloured water from a bucket. They then throw the sponge at another bucket. Everyone weeps for their dead as they are shown just how pathetic life really is.
36. Girly wrestling : Grown men must carry handbags and use a number of moves including the ubiquitous scratching and biting alongside the less well known "flashing anus" to overcome their opponent: weight.
37. Honkey Tonk Woman : Female only sport in which women attempt to get into a bar with a very strict dress code while wearing jeans, a T-shirt and a special hat made from horse excrement.
38. Hopskotch : Olympic version of the popular children's game.
39. Horse exaggerating : Sport involving a horse, a rider and a commentator. The person rides the horse around while the commentator does the absolute best to make it appear interesting. Points are awarded for stamina and sanity.
40. Horse felching : Felching is obviously the popular pastime of sucking your own cum (if you are equipped to produce it) from on a ladies crotch-based orifices. In this event teams of horses attempt to lick their own thick gism off of the front of a Range Rover and then out of the horsy ladies snatch from which it has dribbled as she sits there with her legs splayed apart. Points for style, penetration (in the initial round) and tongue action.
41. Idiot pursuing : The competitors must follow a moron through a previously laid course. The moron must use his/her limited faculties to evade the enemy. Common idiot tactics can include "waving at the enemy", "disguising oneself as a man crouching on the ground with his naked arsehole pointing upward" and "grinning".
42. Ignorance : Fascists, feminists and supposed liberals from around the world gather to demonstrate how little they really know about anything. This year a special new multimillion seater stadium had to be built just for the competitors. The audience has to watch from orbit.
43. Intentional public embarresmentathlon : Secret cameras are placed in buses and follow the competitors as they vomit on passers by and stroke and shit themselves.
44. Indoctrination by torture into the cult of Maserbastic : The beautiful cult is based on the principle of the pursuit of light through trial. Torture involves, among other things, being forced to watch as your toes are set on fire and anal invasion by ferrets. If the victim achieves higher consciousness and pursues the light through trial (evidence can include a desire to sit in burning houses, a general obsession with fire, or "the healing glare" as cult followers call it, and the excessive use of thick torches as sexual devices) then the competitor receives 2 points. If the victim dies the torturer receives 1 point. If the victim cheerfully gets up out of the bath, shakes off the molten sulphur and tells the torturer to "fuck off" then they get no points and are taken to the cult headquarters where they are required to seek the light of innocence by the trial of forced buggery.
45. Javelin hotel exchanging : Several people compete to secretly exchange the javelins of top athletes (which they keep in special cooled rooms in their hotels) for baguettes. Points scoring is based on how startled the look on the athletes face is when they take out their baguette. Extra points can be scored if the dumb athlete attempts to spear a hostile zebra with it.
46. Jogging : Dave and his mate Tim jog around the track talking inanely about golf or some other shit. Heavily armed riflemen shoot them in the legs.
47. Joined at the hip 500m relay : Husbands and wives who appear to enjoy each others company more than is natural share the responsibility of holding a baton as they run around the track trying to cover up the deep-seated relationship problems that they hide with clammy proximity.
48. Jolly old men pleasing : Old, rosy cheeked sailors are wanked and felated by hot and practised young chicks. Extra points are scored for facials.
49. Jostling in public spaces : Typically the badly organised and ill informed Olympic committee thought that jostling was something to do with boats. So now the great British public are subjected to the trials of Gary Sparkstrom from Essex and his attempts to knock all the other shirt and tie clad yuppie competitors into a moat in the only event we seem to be any good at. Unfortunately the committee neglected to buy sufficient piranas for this event.
50. Kid boat slapping : Slapping boats with kids and asking them what it felt like.
51. Knife sprinting : Knives are tied to the competitors feet and they run up walls to be greeted by the traditional falling log.
52. Knoting cocks : The ultimate physical challenge for any man. No brain-all phallus. Notable for the large number of Americans who really thought they should qualify but mysteriously were unable to.
53. Knowledge removal and re-education : Official sport of Pol Pot's Cambodia. Now sadly declining. Competitors use the Ice pick method of lobotomy (cheaper, requires less engineers and doctors) to reduce the IQ of a political dissident.
54. Lab coat scuffle : Various nerds are gathered into the middle of an arena where they are blinded by bright lights (perhaps even supertrooper itself!) and thrown a coat. Following their naturally possessive instincts the lab nerds fight over the coat until they are all unconscious. The winner is decided on the basis of who can lie most effectively the next day about how great they did and how the coat is theirs.
55. Laddles with sweat : The collective juices of all the athletes and gymnasts are placed in a big pot. Competitors must race to empathise with the sweat.
56. The lesbian steeple chase : Lesbians are chased and frightened into pools of water by men dressed as Nazis.
57. The lesbian 100m : Eight Lesbian couples attempt to be the first to travel 100m while locked together in tribadism i.e. straddling each others crotches so that vagina rubs against vagina.
58. Love in : Like a beetle drive only with sex.
59. Low roof pole vaulting: : Run run run. Twang. SMACK.
60. Mammalian teat removal : An array of various mammals are presented to the crowd. The inventors bring their machines up to speed and the animals are inserted for the test. More teats in the standardised hopper = More points.
61. Marathon elephant trapping : Running a long distance behind an elephant, trying to trap it's penis under a rake.
62. Masquerade football(soccer) : Football and fancy dress crossed in a fascinating spectacle of "fan" violence and cartoon fun.
63. Menacing darts : Competition where fat men who stink of lager throw darts at a board. Unusual twist: the board is set up with the face away from the crowd so that they can't see the score. Should the talented but drunk dart throwers miss the board it will end up in the crowd where it will, doubtless, be appreciated.
64. Molestation charges : A mock courtroom is set up in the swimming pool where an under water trial is carried out.
65. Novocane weightlifting : Various sizes of weightlifter are injected with Novocain so that they can't sense their pain threshold resulting a number of gruesome fractures and strangulations.
66. Nude gymnastics : An audience of nude sheriffs and butlers compete to see who can ejaculate onto the largest number of malnourished adolescent girls.
67. Nude men's 100m : Like normal 100m only with tackle more prominently displayed. Winner gets the best time*feinted chicks result.
68. Oblivious sportspeople : Competition to see who is the least aware of how little status their pathetic sporting skill gets them.
69. Orgasm gymnastics : The usual girly jumping about but with the added zest of tantric energy! Feel the flood of orgones coming from the little illuminated ones.
70. Oval vaginal projectile shooting : A device is placed in the inevitably female competitors vagina from where she shoots it using pelvic floor muscles at a sort of effigy of a huge leering mouth with a dripping tongue and dirty, stubbly chin.
71. Plate smashing : Teams see who can smash the most plates. The favourites are the Greek team and the team from the Republic of abusive, self righteous housewives.
72. Pocket billiards : Game involving a cue and wrist action. Also coloured balls. And a table probably.
73. Pot throwing : Competitors in this event are required to have a steady arm and a giant microscope as they try to pick up tiny pots and lever them into a grave.
74. Prat saying : Just saying the word prat. Which means buttocks. Saying it and saying it and still saying it.
75. Recently deceased cat puppetry : The most convincing puppet (as gauged by the reactions of children who owned it) gets points.
76. Rhythmic athletics : Various top athletes try to get a good stride pattern together so that they can run in tune to Underworlds classic "Bruce Lee".
77. Sadboy wall slam : Bitter people run at walls to show just how much worse off they are than anyone else.
78. Soluble aspirin dissolving : Team event in which two people place soluble aspirins in there mouths and then kiss each other with tongues so as to more effectively swoosh about their saliva.
79. Throat gymnastics. : Tiny people sit in your throat and talk with the bacteria while they watch fleas do their circus thing.
80. Total insecurity cabbage fancying : They like cabbages and grow them. They don't want you to see them so the vegetables are exhibited under a sheet. Best profile wins.
81. Tractor driving : Men from all over the West of England gather at the Olympics to show the world how a tractor should be driven across a field.
82. Up hill clamber : Fat people are rubbed with various oils and have their hands attached to their feet by a short chain. They must make their way up a hill and wash themselves clean using only a shit soaked rag.
83. Vagrancy : Standing on street corners. Shitiest trousers wins.
84. Vertical volleyball : Insane Chinese people strap themselves to a wall and try to demonstrate communist superiority. Nobody else is stupid enough to try.
85. Wanking tennis : One hand on the racket. The other in the pants. Otherwise identical except that you get a bonus game for ejaculating on the net. Watch this year for the top players to switch over to the new "crotchless" tennis shorts. Many players view the crotchless look as shamefully distasteful but it's proponents say that it enables faster court movement and better articulation.
86. Water fuck gymnastics : Another event in the tiring gymnastics schedule sees the tiny boned and lithe 13-17 year old girls having sex in a swimming pool with hairy, ageing target shooters and each other. Wow, they must have stamina!
87. Xstream cock sucking : A large number of fully certificated and documented cock suckers take part in a orgy of self satisfaction. Literally!
88. Yaughting with axes : Yaughts are driven by frightened sailors, cowering away from the statutory axe wielding loon who tries insistently to hack the ship into tiny pieces.

8/28/2000 02:28:13 AM

8 very good reasons not to leave the house

1. The barage of thoughts about death.
2. A falling cow killed my sister.
3. The ground is deeper outside. It might swallow me up.
4. I look like some sort of leper in the cold light of day.
5. Watch out. There are roads out there.
6. My house sits in the middle of a moat.
7. I have a magic friend who gives me sex and if I leave the house she will disappear.
8. The world is a vast tract of disease and suffering.

8/27/2000 11:37:00 PM