8 uses for tigers

1. As a steed. Like lion-o in He-Man.
2. As a duck decoy.
3. As a tractor.
4. You know when you walk into a shop and there's just too much in it?
5. As a way of dealing with the ever present threat of geese.
6. Hollow it out and use it as a rather unconvincing shop window dummy.
7. Feed it too much and get it to sit on your least favourite politician.
8. Breed it with other, smaller, cats and make amusing crossbreeds.

6/29/2001 06:31:39 AM

8 alternative names for "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"

1. Wheeling Carpet, Stuborn Misuse-Hound
2. Cool dude, cool chicks.
3. Pony tail guy is awesome in blanket.
4. I need my temples massaged with warmed fingers.
5. Cute chick, less cute chick, guy.
6. Flinging sand into storms.
7. Hunka, hunka burning sword-milk.
8. Moo.

6/29/2001 06:24:25 AM

8 things you might get a restraining order taken out to prevent somebody from doing.

1. Picking up rocks and examining them for paint "in an unnatural way".
2. Singing about those dasterdly geese:
   8 potential lines from a song or songs about nasty geese
   1. "And they fly like trumpety stones".
   2. "I'm all mangled".
   3. "They appear to have splotched themselves with greasey stuff".
   4. "Mmmmm".
   5. "Their feathers are sinister".
   6. "So sinisinisinister".
   7. "I'm vomiting just thinking about the way they breed".
   8. "Oooh baby, I love you baby, but those geese really piss me off".
3. Flying a kite with ham on it.
4. Simpering about jazz.
5. Maiming biscuits.
6. "Shouldering" a burden.
7. Speaking.
8. Sawing off your own legs while masterbating yourself against a lamppost, sending your blood and cum in a spattering arc.

6/1/2001 07:23:50 AM

8 explanations of the acronym IT

1. International Tunneling: An elite corps of beaver chained to a fence.
2. Idiot Traversing: A new sport that involves shrinking yourself down to a tiny size and climbing over the "cliffs of stupid".
3. Instinctive Trolley: Baggage carrying device that wired into your sense of smell, allowing you to use you powerful subconcious to seek out vegetables.
4. Ingot Toast: Bread bassed snack with a crunchy gold filling.
5. Impulsive Tractor: More bio-organic coolness! Special tractor! Careens about farm! Calously runs over chickens! Redeems itself by spreading muck!
6. Industrial Throttle: Vroom! Make you go faaaaaster!
7. Indigo Trowl: Special, dark coloured trowel. For that all important colour coordinated garden.
8. Insulated Tits: A really warm bosem!

3/12/2001 06:13:00 AM

8 ways to tell whether you're a man or a woman

1. Do you bark? [yes] [no]
2. Have you ever run out of a house with your hands in a chicken? [yes] [no]
3. Do you think that Clint Eastwood "looks like he knows things about chickens that other men might have missed"? [yes] [no]
4. Can you see in the dark? [yes] [no]
5. Have you ever missed something that you thought ought to be there? [yes] [no]
6. Can you say "slowly"? [yes] [no]
7. And...cough? [yes] [no]
8. Okay, read this and then answer the question:
   "I was having a drink with some friends and my mind sort of fell onto tthe floor with a a vision of...yes that's right. I am having to go to...what? Sorting through things will make me feel better. But the floor was nice and soft. oh I'm having."
   
   Well? Yeast? [yes] [no]

Mostly no: you probably like cheese and other sorts of fruit.
Mostly yes: you are an owl.

2/25/2001 02:49:25 AM

8 reasons why middle aged men who wear little girl's dresses rock

1. Making a dress for a big, strong man takes more material. Thus, the lurex industry profits, bringing prosperity to the land.
2. The world would be a tedious place without freaks.
3. Distracts truck drivers from long haired males, preventing them from beeping their stupid horns at you in a sexist manner (pigs).
4. Farmboy: Look! Look over there! Deranged men, dressed as girls stomping around and waving their arms! Fuck! Let me get the rifle father!
   Farmer: hold fast youngster. Note the general absence of crows and other verminous creatures in their general vacinity. You let 'em dance around for a while longer. And then shoot the fuckers.
5. A photo of one of these people licking a lolly in a public place could win you money.
6. All that nylon is liable to burn more quickly, thus ending their life more swiftly than a normaly dressed freak.
7. Actually, wearing a dress is kind of nice. It's good to feel pretty and loved sometimes. I'd prefer to be a good little girl than a mean and surly boy. And i'd get to have a girls name too!
8. Hmm. I wonder how "in character" they are? Would they respond to parental instruction?
   8 parent style instructions to deliver to men dressed as girls
   1. "Now don't you bad mouth me again Missy. Just you go over there and kick that doberman."
   2. "I have a bag of sweats here baby. Why don't you rob that bank for Daddy, hmmm?."
   3. "Piss yourself and let me see."
   4. "Go on then. Ask for a super whippy cone and a bag of peanuts. And give the guy that special smile that gets you a discount every time!"
   5. "I'm Obi Wan Kenobi and I need you to take this flask of tea over there. Yes really."
   6. "Oooh, kittens!"
   7. "Go and ask your Mother."
   8. "Give me your clothes. I (like most men who deny it strongly) envy you and want to look as pretty as you. [He puts on "her" clothes] Good. Now wash the fucking car."

2/24/2001 01:21:32 AM

8 things to watch out for when commiting a crime

1. Flying cats and other blizzard victim stylee pets.
2. Dinosaurs.
3. Stalking police officers. Their breath is scented.
4. Those nuts in chocolate.
5. Rampant paranoia brought on by bread.
6. Drugs can proove useful in taming urges but should be ignored as a means to "flighty".
7. Make sure your victims don't catch a glimpse of you. Use big flying wings.
8. Have a chat with your priest. But don't let her see what you've got in your back pocket!

2/21/2001 02:38:19 AM

8 ways to drive your man wild in bed

1. Show him photos of the mass dead of foreign countries.
2. Smack a bag of peas under his side of the matress.
3. Taunt him with bottled lice.
4. Lick your nipples until they start to go sore.
5. Get one of those cool football rattles. Wait until he's about to fall asleep...and then wave it around and around until he wakes up. Repeat.
6. Bury cheese in the garden and influence it with your mystic girl/homosexual powers.
7. Find out who he fantasises about and then locate photoes of them. Soil the images with your excrement and earwax. wave them around outside and show the neighbours.
8. Suck his fat cock until he creams over your lips. Be sure to use liberal tongue and not to neglect his balls.

2/21/2001 02:34:31 AM

8 new spices

1. Massey haters.
2. Nobody's lips.
3. Tamping down.
4. Mousey girl gone byebye.
5. Faces sleeping.
6. The body is overt.
7. Killohaul.
8. Cabbage.

2/20/2001 05:39:16 AM

8 throws

1. Throwing someone down a mine can proove fatal to you and them. You might walk quietly towards them from behind and then, without making a sound, push them. Until you and they get to the side of the mine shaft. It's probably not a good idea to attempt this if you're more than a couple of miles from the mine. If they notice you pushing them then all you have to do is put on a hat. They'll never notice! Keep pushing.
2. Throwing up over you neibour's cat can really put a crimp in you social life. It's all bent now, do you see? See the bending? Ha ha!
3. Throwing your seeds into a pond might kill the fish! If your seeds are made of glass that is!
4. Throwing dough into a crowd of wild young people is sure to provide hours of stainage.
5. Throw a party to improve your social life! Invite everyone who ever lived! don't let people make excuses not to turn up. DEMAND their presence . They'll thank you when you throw their naked pouse into the pool!
   8 excuses not to turn up to a party hosted by a mad person who drools
   1. "I have rabies and I might feel the overwhelming desire to pickle your dog."
   2. "You smell, you ugly freak."
   3. "My girlfirend has armpit lice and we have to remove them with a hoover. Frankly, it could take days."
   4. "I don't know where I live."
   5. "My house just got up and walked away [whimper]."
   6. "I don't have any idea who you are."
   7. "Please! Don't hurt me! Just take the lawn and go!"
   8. "I like bees. Don't you?"
6. Throw napalm over your dearest companions! Make them see your value! They can't resist your charming reparte now!
   8 other ways to ensure business partners and social aquaintances never overlook your importance in their life again.
   1. Do really good work for companies that you don't work for! Your boss will see the funny side!
   2. Show people how easy and fun it can be to arse belch! Make friends with your anus!
   3. Handstands.
   4. Stroke their tie and make vivid, sexual eye contact. Wink.
   5. make cool trifles and then start saying: "Hey! You'd better not triffle with me! ha ha ha!" Repeat.
   6. Try not to know what they're thinking. That will only cost you your focus.
   7. Set up a x-ray machine around the door of your office for "reasons of deviency of a sexual nature".
   8. Kiss them hard on the mouth until they go blue and pass out. Yeah! that'll do it for you baby!
7. Throw dogs out of trains. All they do is yap.
8. Make your peace with the moose you shot by mistake by throwing it a piece of manky bread.

2/20/2001 05:37:17 AM