88 lines that form a play called "borders between the unknown and the unseen"

1. Scene 1: In the place of plus exists a long bridge, crossed at intervals
2. French Soldier: I came here to see how many people actually looked like the bridge.
3. English Soldier: Why are you dressed in Napoleonic battle gear?
4. French Soldier: [pause] Well...I'm Napolean. Why else?
5. English Soldier: I just thought there might be some special event going to happen.
6. Maltese Soldier: So why are you standing here?
7. English Soldier: Because I like these boats.
8. Maltese Soldier: So why didn't you join the navy?
9. English Soldier: Because I couldn't spell "water". Stupid word. How was I to know that it didn't have an "f"?
10. Scene 2:Many young children gather by the side of the road to see the Queen
11. Child with bike: ...it's got cool spokes to.
12. Child without left leg: Hmm.
13. Child with bike: See? Look at this cool peddle clip system. Don't you think that it rocks?
14. Child without left leg: Huh. I suppose it might.
15. Child carrying pork in a bag: But how did you get it?
16. Child who's parents think of him as stupid: He carried it. See?
17. Child with bike: Shut up. Look, it's a sort of secret, but my Dad's got this...[brief pause, looks away]...what's that light?
18. Child carrying pork in a bag: What? What light do you mean?
19. Child with bike: it's like there are angels blowing my forehead with golden breath or something. [Starts to look excited] There she is!
20. Child without left leg: Who? Is it that prostitute you were telling us about?
21. Child with bike: She's in a carriage and surrounded by swans! The pure whiteness of their plumage makes my eyes water with mountain tears!
22. Child carrying pork in a bag: Oh. Yeah. So where did you get that gunsight?
23. Scene 3: In a small bar two men talk about the old days
24. Man in black shoes: We used to have one of those in our front room!
25. Man in brown shoes: Did you? I would have thought that your ma would have objected to the shit on the floor.
26. Man in black shoes: Nah, I mean a dead one.
27. Man in brown shoes: Oh, well I was talking about getting a live one and teaching it to dance. You can't teach a dead one to dance, can you?
28. Man in black shoes: You could always tie a rope around it and give it a bit of a jerk. It might look a mite more active then.
29. Man in brown shoes: [thinks for a moment] That could work. But I think the blokes at work might guess what we were getting up to. Nice try though.
30. Man in black shoes: So where are you going to get one?
31. Man in brown shoes: I think I might find one growing somewhere. You know, in a tank.
32. Man in black shoes: Tanks don't grow things. They keep things. Miriam told me that.
33. Man in brown shoes: What the fuck does she know? She's only got an I.Q. of 87.
34. Man in black shoes: You'll shut up about our Miriam.
35. Man in brown shoes: Oh come on! She once mistook a cat for a duster! She didn't notice even when it started mewling! She even managed to dip it in white spirit to clean it off before she noticed the way that it wriggled! And what did she say when you asked her about it, eh?
36. Man in black shoes: [Long pause] "I thought it was one of those vibrating sponges you here about so much these days". [Another pause]. Shit.
37. Scene 4: It's going to be a long time until these people find what they're looking for. But they will find it.
38. Clambering man: I think my spikes are wearing down. Shall we stop to have a rest and some chocolate.
39. Sailing woman: Oh yes! Chocolate clarifies the palette. Do you think it could have been the rocky dip over there?
40. Clambering man: Doubtles it was. I think I shall go to the rock and stare at it. You never know.
41. Sailing woman: Okay, bye!
42. Stunt man: Now that he's gone we can get to fucking.
43. Sailing woman: I don't want to do it the same way we did it last time.
44. Stunt man: I like your anus. The taste of it should be bottled and given away at country fairs.
45. Sailing woman: Should it? Your crampons are welcome in any of my orifaces.
46. Clambering man: I'm still standing here.
47. Scene 5: For some reason these women are discussing something.
48. Girlfriend in a coma: So. How are we all fixed up for tonight? I've got these bags filled with laughter and you've got...despair trapped in a lunch box, right?
49. Fience with breathing difficulties: Yeah, right. I'm a bit worried about the release though. Do we...
50. Girlfriend in a coma: Now, we've discussed that five times already. You will do it by our drill. Mistocha, you've got some of those fruity things haven't you?
51. Mistocha: No. I have only the seed of enlightenment trapped in my belly. I can't get it out. Only a belly exactly like mine can hold enlightenment.
52. Woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown: Oh come on now! Surely enlightenment is subjective! Surely anyone...
53. Mistocha: Shut UP. WE are enlightened. Are views are enlightenment. If you don't support us you are wrong.
54. Girlfriend in a coma: So you don't have the fruity things?
55. Mistocha: No.
56. Woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown: I have these nutty centered things though!
57. Scene6: Instinct is subjective. People often use "instinct" as a justification for paranoia. Thus:
58. Spider-man: Well hey Mary Jane! How's our bright bouncing baby boy?
59. Mary-Jane Parker: He's fine Tiger! How are you? Did you smack Doc Ock in the head with a big stick or something.
60. Spider-man: Ha ha! No Mary-Jane! I don't do things like that. I'm a good guy. If I were to smack someone in the head I'd turn it into a pulp!
61. Mary-Jane Parker: Really! Wow! Neato! So did you do the things to Doc Ock that you thought were necessary?
62. Spider-man: Yes! He's behind bars. Though something he said kind of bothered me.
63. Mary-Jane Parker: Really Tiger? What was it?
64. Spider-Man: He said that revenge comes in small packages.
65. Mary-Jane Parker: Well I shouldn't worry..Peter...what is it?
66. Spider-Man: My...my spidersense is tingling. There must be something in this room planted by Doc Ock! It's something small! Shit! It must be the baby! He must have planted it in your stomach! Oh god I can feel him watching me now through the babies burning eye slots. Fuck! I can't stand his scratching, insect ridden hands touching my life any more. [Takes up baby and throws it against the wall]
67. Mary-Jane Parker: [Temporarily distracted by searching for Doc Ock's device] Peter? This is a fake cigar. It explodes. One of the nurses must have left it here as a joke. [Pause] Peter what's that cool looking red pattern on the wall? Peter?
68. Scene 7: They take the papers and hold them. it's not their fault
69. The man who's name tag says "sexy": I don't understand why we're just standing here in the street talking about it when we could show them to anyone.
70. The woman who's name tag says "disgruntled": Just stop saying that sort of stuff! My back is aching and my feet hurt from all this stamping. All i want is to reveal the code juice and then we can use it.
71. The man who's name tag says "sexy": I have an idea! Lets go to the zoo and put them under a heavy animal! Like a hippo! Then we can juice peel it all off of the bottom!
72. The woman who's name tag says "disgruntled": I don't think your animal related ideas are helping much. Can we...wait a minute. Why are you so obsessed with the zoo?
73. The man who's name tag says "sexy": Zoo? I have no lips to speak what you say my friend. Look; [mouths zoo while pretending not to have lips] See?
74. The man who's name tag says "Smack-you-up": Hello [pauses to read name tags] Sexy and Disgruntled. I would like to know where you got that stuff you're stamping on. Now.
75. The man who's name tag says "sexy": Shit! Run!
76. The man who's name tag says "Rake-your-flesh": I don't think so. I think you'll be coming with us.
77. The woman who's name tag says "disgruntled": Quick! use your special noose!
78. The man who's name tag says "sexy: I don't have it. I sold it to buy rations.
79. The man who's name tag says "Smack-you-up": [Laughing] What sort of rations?
80. The woman who's name tag says "disgruntled": Porn, probably.
81. Scene8: The sea shore draws us with it's elequence. Angular men sit and admire a pelican. A bronzed girl loves herself casually behind a sunscreen. All is at piece until...
82. The alien with a pointy head: Hey, guys! lets zap our rayguns at these idiot-fucks!
83. Aliens en-masse: Yeah! You rock!
84. The alien with a rectum: Lets be cautious. What is that device that woman is using to probe her cavities? It could be a zap gun or something.
85. Aliens en-masse: Yeah lets be cautious. You rock, shit producer!
86. The alien with a pointy head: Hmm. Actually you have a point there. Lets beam the mammal aboard and examine her.
87. Aliens en-masse: Yeah! Probe the earth chick! Probe the earth chick!
88. The alien with the vagina: Yeah! She'll be so much more fun to ezamine than those stupid cows!

1/27/2001 08:40:58 AM

8 entirely non-sexual stress relief devices

1. Stones of Mumoo : Two pieces of mystical rock that you put on a desk and rub your fingers along.
2. Peter Spikey : A roughly life sized doll based on your notional country cousin "Peter". You use him to relieve stress by having imaginary conversations with him about how cool the country is.
   8 things that you might like to say to "Peter"
   1. Is it really cold there?
   2. Are cows really brown?
   3. I used to know someone who came from the country. He got killed in a threshing accident. Have any of your friends been killed in a similar way?
   4. You look ugly and stupid. See how stupid you are? I can smack you all I want!
   5. Why is your face made of a different sort of plastic to the rest of you?
   6. Yes, thank you, I am quite cute in these shoes [blush].
   7. When I was young I used to fantasise about having a little house somewhere in the country. Dogs barking, country smells and good honest food! Then I went there. It really stinks doesn't it?
   8. I have a pin here. Heh.
   8 things that you might like to imagine Peter saying to you
   1. Have you always been so sexy?
   2. I like cows. Cows are brown.
   3. Dum de doo.
   4. When did you get those underpants? They really suit the particular curve of your ass.
   5. I like being inflatable. It's so much more convenient. And don't think that just because "inflate" sounds so much like "felate" that I get given oral sex a lot. I don't. Not like that fucking autopilot in Airplane. He's a filthy beast. You don't want him near you. He was caught impersonating a new range of paddling pools for adolescent girls.
      8 possible names for paddling pools that were made as a part of a range aimed at adolescent girls
      1. Me!
      2. Now!
      3. Pop!
      4. Spunky cunt!
      5. Blood soaked tampon!
      6. Exclamation mark!
      7. Pumpy!
      8. Dogs are cute, luvems been here mmm!
   6. I enjoy tractors. They're big and often red!
   7. I have a slow puncture. Put me in a bucket to see where it is. Please love me and attend to me.
   8. Get off. That really isn't as nice as you think it is.
3. Valveworker : A cool machine to replace the slaves that operate the valves in your neck. Works by not breathing on you or spying on you.
   8 things that the valves in your neck might do
   1. Make blood flow more extensively to your tongue, making it hideously long and allowing you to do any number of unusual things.
      8 things you could do with a really long tongue
      1. Lick all the crisps out of the bottom of a bag.
      2. Grasp your tongue properly.
      3. Keep your eyes moist.
      4. Do cool frog impressions.
      5. Freak people out with shadow puppetry.
      6. Whistle.
      7. Knock over dominoes.
      8. Lick stuff.
   2. Make your neck lighter.
   3. Look cool and cyberpunk.
   4. Send you messages from space.
   5. Help with breathing in unusual atmospheres.
   6. Piss you off with there constant churning.
   7. Make passers by laugh.
   8. Help your brain to function by pumping chemicals into it.
4. Soaking wet pussy : A genetically altered cat that constantly secretes moisture. Relaxes you by purring and moistening your overly dry lips.
5. Barking stars : Little glowing plastic stars that contain a sound chip so that they make a noise a bit like a dog barking. Conveys all the dog related warmth a busy executive could want without all the shiting and saliva of an actual mutt.
6. It's the fluorescence! : Oooh, Stare at the fluorescent paper! It's fascinating, like exotic moss, but clean like your hands after a bath!
   8 ways to enjoy "It's the fluorescence"
   1. Simply hold it in your hands after exposure to the warming light of television.
   2. Alternatively, why not affix it to a nearby wall and bath in it's sensuous light all the time without having to use your hands?
   3. Or put it in the paper shredder and have lovely ribbons of shinning joy?
   4. If it's not to much of a stretch you could have your mistress replace the paper panties that you love her to wear so much
      8 GOOD and BAD things about wearing paper panties
      1. GOOD the rustling is kind of rhythmic.
      2. BAD people think you have a rat in your underwear.
      3. GOOD paper is cheap and easily repaired with selotape.
      4. BAD the appealing flimsiness of paper, that allows your lover to rip panties from your, doubtless heaving, body also makes it prone to rips and tears.
      5. GOOD helps you to impersonate a paper bag.
      6. BAD paper bag impersonations were only popular for a short period of time in the early 1990's.
      7. GOOD soaks up unnecessary moistness.
      8. BAD soaks up necessary moistness.
      with panties made from "It's the fluorescence". Then you could catch her more easily during bedroom related dodging and prancing!
   5. Or, if you don't have a mistress, (yeah, right) or are a woman then how about making little paper boats and floating "It's the fluorescence" off into the sunset?
   6. Female executives might like to make masks out of "It's the fluorescence" to cover their appalling shameful faces.
   7. Some people like to eat "It's the fluorescence". It's high in protein and taste, and it makes your evacuations glow in an amusing way!
      8 ways to escape tedium with glow in the dark shit
      1. Smear it on your face! People will think you're another one of those ashamed female executives, trying to hide her guilt about not doing things that society tells her a woman should do!
      2. Throw it at a person, or persons, that you do not like. When people see the glowing they will know just how stupid the person is. Ha ha ha!
      3. Independantly employ 2 chicken handlers to train 2 prize cocks for fighting. When the match is about to occur secretly replace both cocks with glowing shit shaped like a penis (or "cock" in some countries slang). Show the photos that you take of the faces of the two men when the fight is about to start to all your family. Enjoy the sense of community and the peels of laughter that result from your stunt.
      4. Painting with your glowing shit is probably a little unsubtle. It's probably best to dull the glow a little by either varying your diet or eating your own shit. That way the glowing stuff will be more likely to be absorbed by the body!
      5. Freeze dry it and place it on the bonnet of your Rolls Royce instead of that stupid, no fun chick.
      6. Substitute your frozen excrement for a magicians wand.
      7. Make piece with your mother in law with a lovely glow in the dark gift.
      8. Make graffiti with it. But to be different...make it on the side of your own property!
   8. Why not cover your entire office block in "It's the fluorescence". It'll make you "the talk of some people".
7. Hey boy! Minging! : Like one of those things that they used to have to cure road rage that made a sort of machinegun noise. Except that you point it at someone you find unattractive and express yourself with it.
   8 possible ways someone might react to having a pink plastic box with gaudy decals stamped crudely on the casing pushed in their face, only for it to issue the previously mentioned insult
   1. Amusement followed by annoyance.
   2. Initial jovial ignorance followed by anger and embarrassment.
   3. Facialy related violence.
   4. Bemusement followed by disinterest
   5. Licking themselves.
   6. Deep and lasting hatred.
   7. Squating on the floor and wailing.
   8. Tearful self pity.
8. Cluthedup : I have a whole wagon full of lagoons. I didn't say that. This man said it. The man here. One day I was lying down on the floor. I was wondering. Wondering. Wondering about the photo. The one I had seen of me. I didn't look like me. There's a man grown into the side of my neck. You can't see his face but I can. I can see it. The back of his head is just visible. I can see his face. It looks like a mask that a man trying to be the devil might wear. He is the devil but he wears the mask to make him look good. He doesn't look good but he tries. The face is there and he speaks. He does. That night it was cold and he climbed in. He says things. Here are
   8 things the man with a nice Satan face says
   1. "Take off your skin like a coat so that you can use Cluthedup."
   2. "I can see your brainstem twitching."
   3. "Products are for buying."
   4. "We mass manufacture tractor parts to hurt horses."
   5. "You can't take green for granted."
   6. "Cluthedup cures things that your skin won't help. Swap!"
   7. "Mmmm. New improved Cluthedup is like a barbecue where you get roasted and like it!"
   8. "Buy new Cluthedup! Relieves all problems, almost like a magic penny!"
   he says them all the time. Can someone please tell me how I can stop it?

1/23/2001 02:04:43 AM