8 ineffective steps to finding the person of your dreams

1. Pick a candidate. The correct approach is to jump out of an aircraft and parachute into the heart of a bustling pig farm. The first suitable person you see should be your choice.
2. Find out all information about your candidate. Get a sience together and try and contact the recnetly dead to get information. But beware! You may invoke a demon or something! And if there's one thing I know for sure about finding the person of your dreams it's that you can't find them when your entrails have been sucked out through your anus.
3. Making that important first impression. Orbit them all day. Walk in a constant circle around them while repeating your phone number and address.
4. Impressing your new friend. Eat a banana and then smear the chewed food over your face.
5. Asking them out on a first date. Rent a blimp and display the words "I like to fuck pigs and wolves. You will do as a substitute. Meet me here at this time."
6. Behaviour on your date. Only wear clothes that you bought from a tramp earlier that day. Constantly slur your words as though you are drunk. Insistantly induce vomiting in yourself and surrounding spectators on the grounds that the way your date smells means that he/she must contain "a toxic level of effluent".
7. Back at your dates place for coffee. As soon you get across the threshold start shouting loudly about how you are "going to fuck the lama"!
8. Living happily ever after. Repeatedly announce that you are sleeping with every dog in town while suggesting that your spouse looks older and older every day.

9/23/2000 02:24:49 AM

8 useful guidelines for women about how to treat men better. Written by John Insidious-Fuckhole, leading columnist for "Preen" magazine

1. "While you may enjoy your 'self gratification' sessions you must be aware that men don't want to know about what you do in your private areas. While not discussing it openly is one approach, it's probably best not to do it at all."
2. "Yes, we know that wearing trousers is more comfortable but you must bear in mind that they make it difficult for men to access the genitalia. It's well known that, while women prefer the slow and boring approach to sex, men prefer to have it fast and get it done. Is it too much trouble to show some concern for someone else for a change? Be unselfish, wear a skirt."
3. "A woman must know at least the barest details of a man's sexual anatomy. Remember that the cock is the most sensitive part of a man. If you have trouble finding it, watch him urinate. See the hole that the yellow liquid (urine) is coming from? That is only the very tip of the penis, which continues until it reaches the body. The whole length of the penis is very sensitive."
4. "Try not to overexensuate your breasts. Be very careful of the things you put in your bra to enhance your bust. For instance, a live pig in each cup is likely to cause alarm and, possibly, embaresment."
5. "When having sex, your partner may ask you to releave him oraly. Always remember that, while it may seem unpleasent at first, swallowing a man's semen is a very important part of male sexuality. Semen is a beautiful and natural thing that all women should be familiar with. Finding it dirty or disgusting is extremly offensive to a man. Even if you don't find it appetising you should at least taste it out of courtesy."
6. "Don't, if you can possibly avoid it, 'do lunch' with your friends. Time spent lunching is time that could be spent sitting around the house and drinking bear, after all. Please try and consider what your boyfriend wants. Try not to be so selfish."
7. "While you may find wearing makeup 'degrading' always remember that men may not want to see your naked face in public. It makes most men physically ill to see a woman without makeup. Please stop your disgusting habits."
8. "Always remember that, while menstruation may be a fascinating process for women and an indication of ones full womanhood, in decent, civilised society it is a disgusting physical aberation. Never bring it up in polite company. In fact, one should always supress all personal knowledge of this monstrosity to the point, if necessary, of psychosis."

John Insidious-Fuckhole is the writer of the novels "Delicate anal blossom" and "He came all over her breasts and she loved it" as well as the socialogical text "Love = fucking". His column in Preen, "I know what Fuckholes enjoy", has won several awards. He lives in NYC with his wife, his mistress and his "daughters".
Hey kids! This is satire!

9/23/2000 02:24:27 AM

8 colourful and happy things!

1. Rainbows!
2. Gold coins! Oooh!
3. Sexual organs, glistening with "love fluid". Mmm!
4. Kittens! Meow little kitten, how are you today?
5. Shops that sell nice things! Like books and toys! I always liked Transformers. Robots in disguise! Yay!
6. Recieving birhtday gifts! I got some of those once!
7. Valentines day cards! I got one of those once, too! But only one.
8. The nice flowers in my mother's garden! My grandmother had nice flowers too! Until I lopped all of them off. Chop chop!

9/23/2000 02:22:48 AM

8 new stereotypes that men can aspire to inhabit

1. The cloutmonger : The guy in the office that makes clout for people. With his hands and stuff.
2. The sparkly boy : Young man who is routinely electricuted to syphon his essence into a jar. Thus providing the head of marketing with the golden taste of a virgin soul.
3. The old man : Man who just looks old.
4. Craggy stork : Long thin legs but cool looking face. Likes to "feed" for "krill" under the "water". If you understand my meaning. You don't? Oh. Too subtle? Right. He likes to lick pussy. Popular with most girls for reasons that even the tepid of intellect should find obvious but also popular with men beacuse of the way he wears a steel watch.
5. Spectator strangler : Doesn't like to be watched. Always carrys strong bags to hold heavy loads.
6. Fork tongued beasty : A stereotype mostly popularised by the female. Describes a man who has some sort of tongue piercing that makes him look like a dork.
7. Slow rinse reserve : Man who wears an obviously false beard in order to hide his guilt and anguish at his own crimes against nature.
8. Fully interdependant : Men who travel in groups with their hands in each others trouser pockets, communicating in morse through cock tugging.

9/21/2000 01:47:22 AM

8 things I have bought recently what I paid for them and why I bought them

1. The soul of George Bush : $12 : I like puppets
2. Enough carpets to cover a village : £55,000 : impulse buy
3. A trojan horse : £5 from Tony the wood guy : to help with my plans to invade America.
4. Various unlabeled body fluids : £25 from "Anything Vampire" : for "amusement purposes"
5. Fully calibrated measuring device : $12.54 : to see how big a thing is
6. Non floating ducks : £2.00 : they make a cool sound when they try to quack under water in panic
7. Sports bra : £34.99 : to hold up above my head while walking along in the street shouting "I am Cecil B. Demil and I have seen quivering sticks"
8. Canvas bag : 35.99 : so that I can write band names on it in biro. How else to remember ones musical tastes?

9/21/2000 01:45:40 AM

8 facts about going to town in a barrel

1. Always make sure that the winch works well.
2. Try not to trample any gnomes on the way.
3. Fraternising with strangers will only lead you to slowness.
4. Your veins will coagulate if you sit in your barrel while under a tree.
5. In town you must hide your barrel from the troupes of tidy nuns. Barrel = booze. Booze = unclean.
6. The roads will not accomadate you. seek only the best pathways.
7. Paving will make your barrel into a potential raft.
8. The best way to get down hills is to bring your safety flare out and point it at the ground for propulsion. It must be safe! Because it has "safety" in the name!.

9/18/2000 12:31:07 AM

8 new religous cults and their beliefs

1. The cult of Clacton : Jesus will rise again in the centre of Clacton, bringing a rejuvinating glow to the place and ensuring piece, prosperity and violent death to all of Clacton's enemies.
2. The Universal Church of ice pick Lobotomy : happiness through self administered brain surgery.
3. Spasky's love clan : "All gather around to hear the word of the groovey one! He gives us the love we need in little plastic cups! We take his love and drink it! His love is the approximate colour of milk and has the consistancy of thin body oil! It's so good! Like sweat with just a touch of shampoo twang!": Hyacyth Totally, devoted follower
4. Church Cluterbuck : Taken from a Local Paper:

   Goat man swears

   83 year old East Hampshire farmer Scrivening Cluterbuck tells people how to live their lives with piece: "Stop fucking my goats and get off my land". The people in the local village of Klup say that they think he should be put in prison but that even he isn't as bad as his followers. "They come here all year round trying to have some sort of tryst with the holy goats. It must have something to do with all those aliens and stuff", said local woman Manch Grusk. Colin Mystrict took a different view:"It's probably most easily explained by the acid he puts in the goat feed. That would certainly explain the mysterious crop circles I am insistantly compelled to make every year. And also the compulsion that many of us feel to writhe in goat shit".
5. Canal fever Wednesday : The holy order of followers of the ultra divine Mr Hello believe that in order to reach enlightenment one most stop seeking it. And thus, under his tutelidge, they take jobs as accountants and work out the rest of their pitiful lives as cogs in a vast uncaring machine without even feeling the whispering breath of enlightenment against their turgid shoulders.
6. Musk : "We are all of animal stock and must therefore behave like animals! But not real animals! Oh no. Special imaginary animals that I have thought up! In order to achieve our goal we will impersonate the stoove, a special sort of predator that likes to eat metal, and the cranky, that enjoys the taste of it's own legs! Ooh, I'm salivating as we speak!": Rev. Slunky Nohode
7. The temple of the absolutely fucking obvious :
   

   The 8 commandments

   1:Thou shalt not attempt to climb inside an ant-eater because "it's such a furry lookin' critter!"
   2:Thou shalt not tie the genitals of thy spouse to the back of a moving vehicle to "see if he/she floats".
   3:Thou shalt not smack thy hands into trees because thee like the noise.
   4:Thou shalt not french kiss a bear trap because "it has such a cheeky grin".
   5:Thou shalt know thy address and not have to ask every random person thy see in the street because of thy stupidly bad memory for faces which prevents thee from knowing whether the person that's talking to thee actually has any idea who thee fucking is.
   6:Though shalt not covet thy neighbours wife and then hand him a gun and speak to him thus: "Ah ha ha. You are so stupid! I just had your wife! And she wasn't very good! Her vagina is so loose you could sink a ship in it! And my huge collection of strap on didoes would be lost in there! HA HA HA! She has a really tight ass though. Or should I say 'did have'? It's extensivly dilated now, as though she had fucked an elephant. She's pretty filthy isn't she? Do you let her wash? Or do you just prefer a woman who smells of excrement?"
   7:Thou shalt know how to open stuff without using flint tools.
   8:Thou shalt not take off thy clothes in public and display thy anal rose unless specifically asked to do so.
8. The seekers of light : Mad, drug-scrambled weirdoes who sit outside light houses, convinced that the light is Jesus's Soul flashing them a message in a language they will only come to understand if they study it for long enough.

9/17/2000 02:14:17 AM

8 names I would think about using if I were magically turned into a woman

1. Greta Lovenest
2. Juliet Sexme
3. Miss Clangylove
4. Offelia Really-Nice-Breasts
5. Angel Tethered
6. Leslie Almost-Constantly-Invlolved-In-Hard-Core-Tribadism
7. Nancy Nice
8. Susan Thunder

9/17/2000 02:13:41 AM

8 words I choose to find offensive when certain persons tell me that people shouldn't use offensive words

1. Holy
2. Catlike
3. Christ
4. Microcosm
5. Lips
6. Tremble
7. Fluffy
8. The

9/17/2000 02:12:44 AM